Vagueness revisited...

Clouds of thoughts, prolonged gaze into nowhere
What rushes within and without; emptiness again
Sheer voidness. No feelings. Numbed and lost.
Is it a new feeling I have to go through?
Or am just being visited again?
Will it stay here for a while or it is passing with time?
Questions that failed to ever fetch answers
Woken up by the pile that lay before. and a call.
Shaken from a reverie, almost a slumber.
It's my life. Back to the canvas again.
Very little time before the dawn breaks again
I have to paint it bright and gay before time fades away!

one of life's strangest ironies...

Recently, Isak Muivah, the General Secretary of the National Socialist Council of Nagalim (NSCN, IM) planned a trip to his hometown, Somdal in Ukhrul district and lo behold, the chaos that oozed out. The entire state of Manipur was suddenly gripped in tension and disorder. Meiteis, the Manipur government and Nagas were hell-bent in getting into rows and riots. Manipur in the news, yet again and normal life got badly affected. The worst hit - petrol and LPG's price rocketed sky high. How much would my poor old parents have to go through at that age with no one to help around?

With schooling from LFS and high school from TGHS, I had friends from all possible communities inhabiting the hills and the valley - kuki, hmar, nagas, kabuis, paites and the list goes on. The best part, all my closest friends happen to be nagas. So when Muivah's supposedly planned visit incident tore apart the state, me and my tangkhul friends joked about me having peace talks with Muivah and my tangkhul friend talking to Ibobi. We shared how the public suffered massively because of the conflict between the meiteis and the nagas. Had we been back home, it would have been a different scenario altogether. I really don't know what is it that binds us - decade long friendship or like-mindedness or something else. It's a pity that the clash of the two communities has bred so much animosity amongst the groups. Thank God that our friendship still stays intact and do not let the forces take over. If only there were more people who thought alike...

waking up...

I have now crossed 30 and more. Two failed relationships and I switched my jobs quite too frequently until I got myself proving stability with the current one. Good four years at that. All these years I took life as it came, not bothering about how much good I have done to myself in terms of career goals, as one might put. I always needed a job for sustenance -- ego-wise and for other obvious reasons. And I made sure I had one. So far so good. Until I met this guy who I thought was...I actually did not think/judge anything about him initially. So, we hit it off quite well. He would have been like just another good friend of mine hadn't he believed in me and hadn't he been vocal about it. Quite bold and dauntless to walk up and question me on my face about my accomplishments so far. Little did he know that my earlier experiments with both my personal and professional lives have dampened my spirits. Not that they are lifeless now but withdrawn, yes. He failed to notice that perhaps. Nevermind. So each time he passionately harangued about his achievement I played a mute listener. That frustrated him more, maybe. But in the course, he unconsciously woke me up. However, I never attempted letting him know. I didn't want to talk about it. But because I am touched by his thoughtfulness, though a little crude, I want to show him that I might be bruised but not defeated yet. I would rather prove it silently to myself and him. I definitely will but that it might take a while till I make the grade around. All I could ask from him till then would be to keep believing in me and persevere. Would that be asking a lot?

My first date with Hp

The onset of the day was the mundane outbreak, fighting sleep and trying not to be late for office. No portents whatsoever of anything. Morning went off as casually as any other boring day.

It went on until what became a little exciting. Myself with Avinash and Hp tried fixing up a program for the evening. It was a Friday and perfect for an evening movie. Poor program had to bend and twist according to Avinash’s whims. He always does that, until we found out that there was no program finally. Real dismay. Doubly.

When I reached my place, a part of me wasn't at all willing to go back home. Hp called at that very moment, so I asked him to drop by NFC and meet me. "NO" that’s all he said. That’s Hp anyway. I begged, pleaded and requested, a decade’s effort, almost. "NO" that was his answer still. He didn’t find any of my reasons to meet up sensible enough. I even told him I was looking good that day. He was so amused he hung up.

I remember climbing the stairs dragging my feet. Hp called and he agreed to see me. A genuine wish was being answered. One slap of surprise but nevermind, it was a good one. I could see myself grinning from the sulk I had. The wait seemed forever. It took ages, I thought. And I got late. I was thinking you see.

He was at the magazine stall, in front of Barista. A sleek chap, unkempt and all shabby, and too tired for a date, heh. But he was there, and stood, not tall but okay types. The moment we met, he tried emphasizing on what a feat it was to come over, and that I should be grateful. A deaf ear to that. Nothing mattered, except that he was around. He’s crazy, but I like it that way. We sat somewhere, I don’t remember where, and my yapping started. He was mean, that’s nothing new, and he wasn’t listening an iota. A deaf ear he is, when it’s my general narration.

We were walking, talking, sitting and eating. Yea, we had something too. I remember his hot chocolate fudge; he made a mess outta it. With me going hysterical over the minutest dirt anywhere, it was funny how he was having it. I also couldn't help noticing how his shoe laces opened rather too often, and he didn't even bother. Damn!

Time flew a little more; I never heard its wings flap though. Nao called to remind me that they were waiting for me for dinner at home. I didn’t want to miss it. And I made folks wait. Sigh. But I wait for them too. Only the special ones for that.

I shared a mini-dinner with Hp, he chewed and chomped whatever was infront. He ate messy, and for the fact that I’m extremely particular, do you think I made an attempt not to notice that. That’s a clandestine effort, if there was any. No point pointing it out given his give-a-damn attitude.

I could see that he was drained of energy, his eyelids drooping now and then, yawning at the peak of my narration’s excitement. He had a hard day, perhaps. But then, my day was no different. He just needed an excuse. Huh! But it was a sweet gesture, especially because it was Hp. He doesn’t pay heed to any of my impulsive, whimsical enterprises and considers them not so bright. And what touches me most is how he listens. But mind you, not always, not once in a blue moon but say…purple moon; it doesn’t come as easy as it sounds. But it’s simply amazing. The one time makes up for all the earlier 118 denials.

Soon after dinner, we took a stroll around too. We talked about everything under the sun. Not really, it was night time, ‘…under the moonlit sky’ would be more apt. We talked about trivialities, daily annals, which made no sense but somewhere echoed profundity. I am not trying to justify transcendentalism here. There were no reasons, but enough reasons to be happy. Smiles floated easily. Friendships can be so beautiful. And how we connect!

I asked for a rickshaw ride, to which he agreed. But somehow, it didn’t shape up. It would have been really nice. Reminds me how I used to drag poor Pintu during chilled winter nights for my crazy whims. I remembered Tutu’s line...change is the only constant thing and saw time fleeting away with my memories. Snap, wake up!

But I was having a splendid time. It couldn’t have been any better. I wore a smile, or was that an ear to ear grin, sub-consciously? It was reflex happiness talking. We walked back and he left soon. He found it funny with my idea of sending me a text once he reaches home. Never mind again, he is reckless. He’s rude, he calls me aged, and he calls me ugly. He makes me cry. I don’t care. I adore him still. He sent a text though. Then, I was doubling dinner. I didn’t want to disappoint my folks too. I sound like a diplomat.

The feel good factor harbored. I know I have to come to terms. Accidental dates with hp. They ain’t gonna come often. Wishful thinking.

It was 24th November, 2006. It was a Friday.

Passed on by a friend, I recently read a book titled Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. Reiterating the title, it is an uncommon dialogue and as I delved further, I realised that those questions were no different from mine which I have had all my life. For author Donald, it was a conscious/sub-conscious tete-a-tete with God until he got all his answers, all his doubts cleared. For obvious reasons I could not bring myself to believing that God Himself would seemingly appear to talk and listen to a distressed soul in despair. Hence, I read the book assuming that I am having an enlightening conversation with an erudite sage, blessed with immense knowledge. That was easier. And as I flipped the pages, I realized that the questions/doubts Walsch had were almost like mine, as if he sneaked a peek in my within. I could so well relate to them effortlessly. Some of the answers, most of them in fact were like revelations, changing how I perceived life and its circumstances. There were morsels of knowledge my conscious mind couldn't agree; of which I decided I'd rather ignore them and absorb the rest. To some, it would sound blasphemous, much better if you can peruse it my way. I will not detail the content of the book here, but would definitely like to recommend it to avid readers. Well, it surely is a good read for self-reflection. Enjoy!