My another first day at work

I don’t know if it happens with others too. But that weird feeling of reluctantly shaking hands while introducing and being introduced to the who’s who of the company and everybody, I was also apprehensive if I would be tagged a snob if I didn’t wear a smile additionally. My manager promised me a tour of the facility and I had to mentally prepare myself to shake a lot of hands – clean hands, dirty hands, sweaty hands, greasy hands and frozen hands while putting on a grin all the while. As we went walking up to their bays and started the routine, I realized I was the less mortified one. A lot of them narrated their work of the day. I am quite unsure if that is an appropriate thing to do. Overwhelming a new comer with things they have been handling for ages. I had both my eyes and ears opened and my mind like a sponge, trying to absorb whatever I could. But poor me! I didn’t get the head and tail of most of their stories. On sharing my plight with my manager, he consoles I can take my time to understand the business and how it works out here. But I doubt if he really meant it. Sigh.

At lunch of course I was alone. Not that I cared anymore. But it sure was a new experience eating alone in a crowd. I told myself I am getting used to it. The sooner the better as it saves me a lot of time sans the chit-chats. After a light meal, I was at my workstation, staring into nothingness. I looked up on their websites and tried acquainting myself with their branding style. Unlike my previous organization, I had the advantage of having the design team in-house and the best part; they were already well-versed with the basic guidelines on the usage of the logo and approved fonts, making my life much easier. Or it seemed so at the first glance.

After a while, my manager wanted to walk me through various slides of three heavy presentations of our business. It was extensive. I wondered how he expected any human mind to capture everything that he shared in those 4 hours of downloading. Mine wasn’t capable of it. And I wondered again if I should be embarrassed for that. So I kept wondering one after another. I had few questions. A little more than few and I kept interrupting him. And I couldn’t ever make out neither from his expressions nor from his composure if I’d come to a point of irritating him. When the slides ended, both of us were equally relieved I think - me because I couldn’t take any more of it and him because he wouldn’t have to keep answering to my silly questions.

On my way home I realized I was too tired to even make a call. My eyes hurt and strangely so did my legs. But I was glad that I would have a peaceful sleep after long 10 months of unemployment.

My very Meitei hometown

So a friend visited home for a week’s vacation recently. The last time she landed in Imphal was 6 years ago, to attend her sister’s wedding. Since she was coming home after a long time, I decided to play guide and take her around in and around Imphal city. The first plan was to visit few places and feast on local delicacies – singju, bora, momos at famous eateries in the little dust ridden city.

We started off first for Awang Potsangbam in Sekmai. The moment I picked her up from her place, the first eye sore she complained about was the garbage dump on the Nambul river all along the Keishamthong stretch. She had a scarf of a length that would wound her from head to toe, almost. She covered her head and face lest the dust and stench would seep into her system and start ruining her anatomy. She was paranoid. It wasn’t easy for her, or perhaps. Once we crossed Khongnaang ani kaarak, the dust had settled down and the hills far away were visible. This did the trick all along the slightly winding road until we reached Sekmai bazaar which was like another Paona Bazaar in Imphal. The place rustled with people and their load to sell and purchase. An unusual crowd caught our attention and we walked there to find out what was happening. And lo! We heard biddings on one absent ‘tekko gekko’ a chameleon look-like supposedly believed to bring in good charms if owned. Now, there’s a reflection of my Manipur there.

After asking for directions a couple of times, our driver was disappointed we hadn’t gotten to the destination yet. So we gave up and headed home after momos and very watery soup at Nikhil’s.

The next day we went for a typical Manipuri chaaluk at Narsimha temple. Dressed in sombre white clothing, we left behind our walled up attitude and otherwise reckless behaviour before entering the temple gate. After offering prayers, all were seated waiting for the ‘luk haabiba yaarani’ announcement. In that solemn gathering, some guy had to flaunt his iPhone and another his galaxy note with that ‘oh look at me’ loudness and had all heads and eyes turned towards them. Oh so typical. So Meitei that was. For God’s sake, that was just a phone and not a gold medal you won for the state. The traditional chaaluk was good and so the experience of sitting down on the floor to eat off from the banana leaf.

As a last one, we decided to visit Uyok hillock in Kakching before she left for Delhi. We effectively petrified her with stories of how vehicles that ply on that route were expropriated with threat. Lest we run into a similar episode, she announced we head home before it got dark. The Kakching garden on top of Uyok was spectacular. It was a resplendent view at sunset with seasonal flowers in full bloom after the dry panoramic scene enroute. We hurried ourselves for few clicks when we heard a bunch of guys droning at us...‘nangdi thamoi kanbini, nangdi minungsi khangdabini.’ So much for a trip to see some flowers bloom. Our Meitei paakhangs would never let go off an opportunity to tease a leishabi, even on a hillock. The brazenness was bold and unabashed that left us gawped.

For a wrapping up meet before she took off, I paid a final visit at her place in Keishamthong and that’s where I met her aunt. Though I had nothing to do with her aunt, strangely she was very proud of my ‘officer’ tag. The next normal question she had for me was how much I had spent for that job position. 8 lakhs is absolutely nothing for a job like mine, or she thinks so. Even a primary teacher’s job would cost anyone 10 lakhs depending on the contacts one had. I knew she spoke the truth, but I found it outrageously attacking my sanity. I was suddenly being pulled and looped in that category. So much for a Manipur government service! My pride and honesty was being attacked. But I kept quiet. It made me think. Until the time is right to stand up and fight, I shall keep mute. I’d just hope it won’t be too late then.

Oh what is to become of dear Sanaleibak Manipur! my friend sighed. We both agreed on the urgent need for a dawn that would awaken Kangleipak. Until that morning we all toil through the night, for truth to rule as the glorious rays of the sun shine equally upon the hills and valley. Until then, we hope.

The beginning…

I lived and saw good 30 years sail by. And I would readily admit I learnt very less compared to the average 30 year olds. Like some friends say I must be shelled and cocooned. I accept that too. Perhaps I enjoyed being treated that way. Perhaps my childhood lacked that so I sub and un-consciously sought the attention. I could be wrong though. But that's what my current thought process says.

Nevermind. My current thought process also says that I have my entire life road ahead. I can start and gear up once am all set. It’s not as early as everyone would think, but that’s okay. I’d rather live my years according to my whims and fancies than someone else’s. Nevermind again if I bloom a little late. It will be but beautiful when it does. And that will not be the end. It will be a start, a beginning to a different journey and exactly how I would want it to tour or detour. Until then, it’s just hope and perseverance that I would all need. I will prepare the chance if at all am not given one. So this and here is definitely not the end…

Intoxicated...

Dauntless and daring. You are a charm.

Your eyes ever sparkle with erudition

Head held high with self-fetched pride

Kudos! You bring home accolades in score.

Bask in glory as the paeans echo

Dance and rejoice as the noise lasts

Once out of the trip. You're wretched and lost.

Shortlived and gone. Such is the ecstasy.

The journey's been good and not yet done.

Cheers that stroke your ego will get louder

But when you're done and deserted

Old and tired. I will catch you then and there.

the missing connect...

Sweet darling, let me tell you this.

I'd have myself speak and heard

And carry on with the tete-a-tete

Oh Alas! you're deaf somewhere

Though you so much express care

Claim that I should do the same too

But as I start and by the time

I articulate and put across my point

You're incapable of hearing the words

Wouldn't understand my gestures either.

Your deeds are polished and fine,

Heavenly gait, eased with style

But you are coated in conceit, you stand tall

Egomaniac wouldn't be a lesser name.

Happier still. If you braved like a man

But something somewhere is amiss.

So, don't accuse me of not loving thee

You are sweet and nice. And chivalrous too,

Let a spineless man overwhelm and hold

thats not me; thats defintely not me...

Vagueness revisited...

Clouds of thoughts, prolonged gaze into nowhere
What rushes within and without; emptiness again
Sheer voidness. No feelings. Numbed and lost.
Is it a new feeling I have to go through?
Or am just being visited again?
Will it stay here for a while or it is passing with time?
Questions that failed to ever fetch answers
Woken up by the pile that lay before. and a call.
Shaken from a reverie, almost a slumber.
It's my life. Back to the canvas again.
Very little time before the dawn breaks again
I have to paint it bright and gay before time fades away!

one of life's strangest ironies...

Recently, Isak Muivah, the General Secretary of the National Socialist Council of Nagalim (NSCN, IM) planned a trip to his hometown, Somdal in Ukhrul district and lo behold, the chaos that oozed out. The entire state of Manipur was suddenly gripped in tension and disorder. Meiteis, the Manipur government and Nagas were hell-bent in getting into rows and riots. Manipur in the news, yet again and normal life got badly affected. The worst hit - petrol and LPG's price rocketed sky high. How much would my poor old parents have to go through at that age with no one to help around?

With schooling from LFS and high school from TGHS, I had friends from all possible communities inhabiting the hills and the valley - kuki, hmar, nagas, kabuis, paites and the list goes on. The best part, all my closest friends happen to be nagas. So when Muivah's supposedly planned visit incident tore apart the state, me and my tangkhul friends joked about me having peace talks with Muivah and my tangkhul friend talking to Ibobi. We shared how the public suffered massively because of the conflict between the meiteis and the nagas. Had we been back home, it would have been a different scenario altogether. I really don't know what is it that binds us - decade long friendship or like-mindedness or something else. It's a pity that the clash of the two communities has bred so much animosity amongst the groups. Thank God that our friendship still stays intact and do not let the forces take over. If only there were more people who thought alike...

waking up...

I have now crossed 30 and more. Two failed relationships and I switched my jobs quite too frequently until I got myself proving stability with the current one. Good four years at that. All these years I took life as it came, not bothering about how much good I have done to myself in terms of career goals, as one might put. I always needed a job for sustenance -- ego-wise and for other obvious reasons. And I made sure I had one. So far so good. Until I met this guy who I thought was...I actually did not think/judge anything about him initially. So, we hit it off quite well. He would have been like just another good friend of mine hadn't he believed in me and hadn't he been vocal about it. Quite bold and dauntless to walk up and question me on my face about my accomplishments so far. Little did he know that my earlier experiments with both my personal and professional lives have dampened my spirits. Not that they are lifeless now but withdrawn, yes. He failed to notice that perhaps. Nevermind. So each time he passionately harangued about his achievement I played a mute listener. That frustrated him more, maybe. But in the course, he unconsciously woke me up. However, I never attempted letting him know. I didn't want to talk about it. But because I am touched by his thoughtfulness, though a little crude, I want to show him that I might be bruised but not defeated yet. I would rather prove it silently to myself and him. I definitely will but that it might take a while till I make the grade around. All I could ask from him till then would be to keep believing in me and persevere. Would that be asking a lot?

My first date with Hp

The onset of the day was the mundane outbreak, fighting sleep and trying not to be late for office. No portents whatsoever of anything. Morning went off as casually as any other boring day.

It went on until what became a little exciting. Myself with Avinash and Hp tried fixing up a program for the evening. It was a Friday and perfect for an evening movie. Poor program had to bend and twist according to Avinash’s whims. He always does that, until we found out that there was no program finally. Real dismay. Doubly.

When I reached my place, a part of me wasn't at all willing to go back home. Hp called at that very moment, so I asked him to drop by NFC and meet me. "NO" that’s all he said. That’s Hp anyway. I begged, pleaded and requested, a decade’s effort, almost. "NO" that was his answer still. He didn’t find any of my reasons to meet up sensible enough. I even told him I was looking good that day. He was so amused he hung up.

I remember climbing the stairs dragging my feet. Hp called and he agreed to see me. A genuine wish was being answered. One slap of surprise but nevermind, it was a good one. I could see myself grinning from the sulk I had. The wait seemed forever. It took ages, I thought. And I got late. I was thinking you see.

He was at the magazine stall, in front of Barista. A sleek chap, unkempt and all shabby, and too tired for a date, heh. But he was there, and stood, not tall but okay types. The moment we met, he tried emphasizing on what a feat it was to come over, and that I should be grateful. A deaf ear to that. Nothing mattered, except that he was around. He’s crazy, but I like it that way. We sat somewhere, I don’t remember where, and my yapping started. He was mean, that’s nothing new, and he wasn’t listening an iota. A deaf ear he is, when it’s my general narration.

We were walking, talking, sitting and eating. Yea, we had something too. I remember his hot chocolate fudge; he made a mess outta it. With me going hysterical over the minutest dirt anywhere, it was funny how he was having it. I also couldn't help noticing how his shoe laces opened rather too often, and he didn't even bother. Damn!

Time flew a little more; I never heard its wings flap though. Nao called to remind me that they were waiting for me for dinner at home. I didn’t want to miss it. And I made folks wait. Sigh. But I wait for them too. Only the special ones for that.

I shared a mini-dinner with Hp, he chewed and chomped whatever was infront. He ate messy, and for the fact that I’m extremely particular, do you think I made an attempt not to notice that. That’s a clandestine effort, if there was any. No point pointing it out given his give-a-damn attitude.

I could see that he was drained of energy, his eyelids drooping now and then, yawning at the peak of my narration’s excitement. He had a hard day, perhaps. But then, my day was no different. He just needed an excuse. Huh! But it was a sweet gesture, especially because it was Hp. He doesn’t pay heed to any of my impulsive, whimsical enterprises and considers them not so bright. And what touches me most is how he listens. But mind you, not always, not once in a blue moon but say…purple moon; it doesn’t come as easy as it sounds. But it’s simply amazing. The one time makes up for all the earlier 118 denials.

Soon after dinner, we took a stroll around too. We talked about everything under the sun. Not really, it was night time, ‘…under the moonlit sky’ would be more apt. We talked about trivialities, daily annals, which made no sense but somewhere echoed profundity. I am not trying to justify transcendentalism here. There were no reasons, but enough reasons to be happy. Smiles floated easily. Friendships can be so beautiful. And how we connect!

I asked for a rickshaw ride, to which he agreed. But somehow, it didn’t shape up. It would have been really nice. Reminds me how I used to drag poor Pintu during chilled winter nights for my crazy whims. I remembered Tutu’s line...change is the only constant thing and saw time fleeting away with my memories. Snap, wake up!

But I was having a splendid time. It couldn’t have been any better. I wore a smile, or was that an ear to ear grin, sub-consciously? It was reflex happiness talking. We walked back and he left soon. He found it funny with my idea of sending me a text once he reaches home. Never mind again, he is reckless. He’s rude, he calls me aged, and he calls me ugly. He makes me cry. I don’t care. I adore him still. He sent a text though. Then, I was doubling dinner. I didn’t want to disappoint my folks too. I sound like a diplomat.

The feel good factor harbored. I know I have to come to terms. Accidental dates with hp. They ain’t gonna come often. Wishful thinking.

It was 24th November, 2006. It was a Friday.

Passed on by a friend, I recently read a book titled Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. Reiterating the title, it is an uncommon dialogue and as I delved further, I realised that those questions were no different from mine which I have had all my life. For author Donald, it was a conscious/sub-conscious tete-a-tete with God until he got all his answers, all his doubts cleared. For obvious reasons I could not bring myself to believing that God Himself would seemingly appear to talk and listen to a distressed soul in despair. Hence, I read the book assuming that I am having an enlightening conversation with an erudite sage, blessed with immense knowledge. That was easier. And as I flipped the pages, I realized that the questions/doubts Walsch had were almost like mine, as if he sneaked a peek in my within. I could so well relate to them effortlessly. Some of the answers, most of them in fact were like revelations, changing how I perceived life and its circumstances. There were morsels of knowledge my conscious mind couldn't agree; of which I decided I'd rather ignore them and absorb the rest. To some, it would sound blasphemous, much better if you can peruse it my way. I will not detail the content of the book here, but would definitely like to recommend it to avid readers. Well, it surely is a good read for self-reflection. Enjoy!

He bird - Mind if I join you?

She bird - Why? Am I falling apart?

Good day folks :)

when trust got killed...

Easy said then done...bury your hatchet and move forward because that's how life goes. Very true I agree. But when you're deeply hurt, you will never forget where you buried it. Some find it easy to forgive and forget, some don't. That's alright. No two human beings can be same. And when you're hurt, all you can think about is the 'ever-mounting' hurt which then seem ceaselessly affecting other arenas of your life. Any descriptive then falls short of aptly and fully covering its intense. Never mind again. That's life and it has to go on.

The withdrawal signs always look very loud and alarming, as if every one on earth has eyes set on you...know what I mean? You don't, then you haven't gone through something like this. Just feel lucky. And whenever the hurt pinches, the best consolation that ever came across as reasonably sensible was...no point crying over it (of course not literally), it was never meant to be for keeps. Sunshine's had her days too and she's learned that. She'd rather be without then be with people she can't trust...

...experimenting blogging

It's been quite a long time now. Friends have already given up on pushing me to start my blog. And lo! Here I go.

It's not a new feeling perhaps because I have been writing. Just that it was never for a public post like this. Well, I have started the journey and am ready to go :)

This will give me the room to pour out my experiences, aspirations, vent out my wrath (/giggle), mark a special someone's sweet little gesture, share about the good times I've had with my friends, also talk in length about boring stuffs like gaining/losing weight and etc.

Wait until I start sharing a lot of anecdotes, narrations, silly jokes, some adventures, and the list goes on...

Your comments are welcome. Make it constructive feedback instead. Hehe!

Good day!

That's all from Sunshine for now. Keep watching her space...